When I found out that I was accepted to Rollins College, a prestigious private school in Orlando, on a scholarship no-less, I was ecstatic. It felt good to see the word ACCEPTED on that pretty mail pamphlet, to see my hard-work and good grades (with some major help from my GI Bill) earn me a spot in such a highly respected school. I had applied for the school on a whim, and after getting my acceptance letter I proceeded to register for the upcoming semester just as impulsively. Not once did I question applying or registering, or ask myself what my real motivation was for going back to school. I was high on the validation of being ‘accepted’ to a college that a few years back I never would’ve thought I would have even been considered for. So, I blindly moved forward, believing it was the next necessary step to cultivate success in my life. However, it was never that simple.
Nothing about getting signed up for school was easy. My military education paperwork was difficult to gain access to, the college didn’t have a VA associated office like my last college, I couldn’t get all my transcripts, and I had IT issues that kept me from seeing my class schedule and registration. As I walked around campus in the week leading up to classes, I felt out of place. I couldn’t picture myself being in classes there, the culture felt misaligned with my own in some way. The people were nice and accommodating, but something just didn’t feel right, like a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite line up. NOTHING was going my way. But I ignored these red flags, and I pushed through because I believed I was moving in the right direction and that it would all work out, even if I wasn’t feeling it at that time. “This opportunity is too good to pass up,” I told myself, “I don’t have any reason not to. I’d be an absolute fool if I turned this down.”
As I sat in my advisor’s office, the DAY before classes started, I finally saw my schedule for the first time. The schedule was nothing I was prepared to take on, and I was only taking the absolute bare minimum course-load possible. I would be out of commission for 2.5 days of my week, engrossed in school, precious time traded in from my coaching business. Not only would I be trading in a ton of time I have for my own business and clients, at the rate I was going it would take me 5-7 years to finish my degree! As I looked at the computer screen something else shifted into place.
I nodded my head and played it cool with my advisor, but as we reviewed the next 5+ years of my life, I felt my whole body tense up and heard a voice inside of me screaming “No! No! No!”. As I left her office, everything in me knew that this was the wrong path. I broke down. I felt trapped between my long-term goals and my coaching business. I felt like a quitter. I hadn’t even made it to day one of class, and I was already in over my head. A million worries flooded my mind. “I posted this ALL over social media. What will people think? I’ll look like a failure who couldn’t cut it. What if I can’t get my deposit back? Is this a huge mistake? Will my family and friends be disappointed in me? I know I don’t want to go to school, but I have to if I’m going to be a therapist! What else would I do?” I was afraid of disappointing the people who have supported my growth and who have believed in me along the way. I was afraid of letting myself down, making a mistake, or feeling like I couldn’t cut it. I didn’t want to disappoint my husband, my family, my coworkers, or myself. But I didn’t see how it would be possible for me to move forward at Rollins and be true to myself.
I walked across campus to my car, sobbing, and called my two most trustworthy confidants: EJ (my husband) and Sally. Both had the same thoughts to offer. That I had to do what I thought was right, and they reaffirmed that I knew the best thing to do. They reminded me that I knew what was best for me, and that college would always be there if I changed my mind, but that maybe it wasn’t worth the sacrifice I was trying to force myself to make. And they both said they were proud of me for listening to my inner guidance above anything else and they supported me regardless of what I chose. (Guys, if you don’t have people like this in your life, get you some! If you need one, message me!)
After calming down, I was able to take a very honest look at what I really want for myself and what I was feeling. I always told myself that I would join the military and THEN go to college, because it would be paid for. That’s the justification for my choice to enlist that I’ve given to everybody: my parents, my family, my friends, and myself. I thought it was what I was supposed to do next. In reality, I joined the military because I didn’t want to go to college and hoped I would feel a burning desire to get a degree later on after I grew up a little (hah!). Our society promotes college as a necessity for success, so I thought it was an inevitable evil I had to embrace at some point. But what if I didn’t want to go to college? Academia has never appealed to me, and I really see it as a means of getting a piece of paper that would allow me to create the impact I want to make in the world. I thought the only way to make that impact in my field was by getting my license as a mental health counselor, so going to college was necessary. But when I got really honest with myself, I didn’t see myself sitting in an office doing one-on-one therapy. I didn’t know exactly what it looked like long-term, but what if I could make the impact I wanted to, but without forcing myself to walk a path I didn’t want to tread? What if I could do it in my own way, and be open to pursuing my degree at another time if I felt so inclined? It felt too wrong to put going back to school above a business that I’m passionate about, that I’ve poured my heart and soul into, especially when it’s where I really want to be spending my time. So, I got out of my car, walked back onto campus, and withdrew from Rollins that afternoon.
By giving myself permission to follow my own heart, rather than society’s road map, I opened up doors to a new perspective that gave me a sense of relief, alignment, and renewed enthusiasm for my chosen career. I released myself from the need to care about the judgments that others may have about my decisions. They don’t need to understand, because I understand that I made the right choice for myself, and I’m the one who has to live with my choices. I chose to go all in on a coaching career that I’m actively creating, I’m passionate about, and that allows me to be authentic, creative, and impactful. And better yet, a career I can mold and shape however I want! I get to leverage all of the experience and skills the Air Force gifted me with and share my experience with others. I get to spend my days making connections with incredible people through networking groups, working with my amazing High Expectations Counseling team, and the courageous clients I have the privilege of coaching towards reaching their dreams.
I am happy with my choices, and that’s enough. I needed to release who I am ‘supposed’ to be and what I’m ‘supposed’ to do so that I can be true to myself above all else. Funnily enough, I am prouder of myself for marching to the beat of my own drum and taking my life into my own hands than I ever was about being accepted into a great college.
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