I have found that the biggest leaps in growth have also come with the most difficult events in my life.
I believe this is true for everyone, even if there is no awareness of what we are learning at the time. We grow through adversity, and when we are in the middle of it, it can be painful; so painful. My first big wave of growth came with the most painful event of my life, followed by the most challenging year of my life. But I believe that openly sharing our darkest times can not only help to heal our own spirits, but also help others to embrace their own low moments and remind them they are not alone in this universal human experience.
My husband and I got married when we were 18, right after both of us had joined the US military. We had met each other in high school and needless to say, we got all of the typical warnings; we didn’t know who we were yet, we were too young to know what we wanted, we were both newly enlisted in the military and lived across the country from one another, it would never work, etc. But of course, we were young and in love and that was all that mattered to us. We couldn’t ever picture it being different than it was then. But life has a way of bringing you into the unexpected. After a year of marriage, we finally got stationed together in Hawaii by a crazy stroke of luck or in my opinion, an act of god (that’s how unlikely it was). We were thrilled. Smooth sailing from here, right?
Fast forward five years, two deployments, years of opposite shift work schedules, endless unexpressed needs, and a million and one miscommunications. I was now 23. The distance between us grew greater each year. Both of us being in the military (and in different branches) definitely put a strain on our marriage. But as we grew, we grew apart rather than together. Unfortunately, I could not accept this. So I pretended as if everything was fine, I refused to look at any of the red flags, would never speak my mind, and put on the charade of being perfect. I played the victim to a marriage that wasn’t what I expected it to be, and it was always because my husband wasn’t doing what I expected from him. I was all about my own feelings and needs, and lost sight of anything else. I thought this was just normal. Marriage can’t be fun forever, right?
Two weeks before coming home from his second difficult 6-month deployment, my husband called me to say he couldn’t do it anymore, and that he wanted a divorce. I called him a coward and a quitter. I was heartbroken, angry, and scared. My world, my precious illusion, was shattered. I asked myself, “How could he do this to me?”. “Why am I not enough?” I immediately spiraled down into the trap of self-pity and felt as if my entire life was over in that moment. I wanted to cry and scream and hit something all at once. I will never forget the feeling of my heart dropping into my stomach like a 40 pound rock.
Little did I know this event would be the catalyst for finding myself, my happiness, and my endless strength. A week after the request for divorce, I began to speak with a therapist. I expected her to tell me how to fix my marriage and make my husband want to stay with me. I needed him, and more than that, I needed him to need me. But instead she gave me what I really needed, a loving reality check. Over the course of the next week, I spoke with her daily as she helped me to turn everything I thought I knew about love on it’s head. I was asking how my husband could have done this to me, when the real question was always “How could I have done this to me?” Instead of asking why I wasn’t enough for my husband, I began asking “Why do I feel like I am not enough for myself?”. “Is it really love to try and keep someone who is unhappy? Is that the kind or loving thing to do for either of us? Is it better to be unhappy together or happy apart?” I had allowed myself to ignore red flags and the clear signs that neither of us were happy for a long time. I could no longer deny that we were not in a happy marriage, and that real love would be to stop trying to force us to stay unhappy together. Why had it taken me so long to finally face this reality? Because I needed him, or so I thought. I worried about what my worth would be if my husband didn’t need me, or worse if he didn’t love me anymore. It became glaringly clear that I had ignored my own happiness in exchange for the illusion of a marriage that left both parties worse for the wear.
This realization began my journey towards taking personal accountability, and ultimately reclaiming my life. Although the divorce was initiated by my husband, I began to accept that I shared an equal half of the responsibility for it happening. I saw my own responsibility in the things I did and did not do, the ways that I did not allow my husband to be himself, the pressure I put on him to make me feel loved and secure (something that can only come from within ourselves), and for all of the things I allowed because I did not value myself. This newfound mindset allowed us to move forward with our divorce so that the love we had for one another became and remained the focus. It was a sweet sadness when we parted ways as friends, and of course I was filled with feelings of loss, but also a deep sense of gratitude for this once in a lifetime love I had shared with someone who means so much to me. In fact, after six months of divorce, we rekindled our love and are now happily remarried, applying all of the many lessons and growth we each gained from our separation. It’s not perfect and we are still learning every day, but it’s a much smoother ride the second time around, and I am very blessed to be where I am today.
By embracing the lesson of personal responsibility and self-worth that comes from the inside, I regained the ability to change the things that I needed to in my own life. I was always at the mercy of the opinions of others, what society expected from me, needing love and acceptance from a partner in order to feel valuable and seen. The divorce was painful, but I was ok. I still found joy, even in the sadness. I knew I had value, even if others did not value me. My divorce showed me how to give it all to myself, allowed me to see just how strong, resilient, and loving I am. Obviously I am FAR from perfect (because who wants to be perfect anyways?? BORING), but I can say that I am happy, and that I know I will continue to be ok, no matter what comes next. I still have hard times, and more to come, but now I admit when I am not satisfied and give myself permission and the authority to march to the beat of my own drum. I can honestly say that I love and admire myself because of my story, because of who it made me. The hardest of times brought me to that point, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the lesson. All we can do in this life is accept what life is giving us in this very moment, learn the lesson that is always there, and make it part of a beautiful story that helps mold us into the next, perfectly-imperfect version of ourselves.
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